I’ve slowly been realizing that my feelings are only new to me. I’ve even had a few not surprised reactions to my coming out as bi. Well I’m sure as shit surprised and I wish someone would have let me know earlier. I’ve wasted so much time trying to make it work with the “wrong guy” or wondering why I just wasn’t interested in any guy I meet.
So there I am, laying on my couch, tablespoons deep in cold medicine. Its day 3 and I’ve watched everything and I was moving to OnDemand. The Real L Word? Sure I liked The L Word, this should be good too. Right as I press play my gay husband calls to check on me and I end the conversation with “I’m about to watch The Real L Word and I’m probably going to switch teams, so let me get to it.” It was in all honesty a joke, a joke on my dumb self-unaware ass. In less than three hours I was seriously questioning my life.
Ask any of my friends, when I watched The Real Word, I said with confidence that if I was gay Shane would be my type all day every day. I’ve found women attractive, even kissed a few. And after some thought had crushes on a few:
I still think about AK (like I’m giving out names). Oh, I found every excuse to talk to her at that party and she engaged in the conversation. Towards the end of the night I remember trying to get her to dance with me and I felt her body tense up and still now I want to feel the strength of her arms and I wanted to feel those arms around me. But I didn’t understand, I just thought she was fascinating and I wanted to be around her.
So back to that day in September: On the couch, chugging DayQuil cuz I’m bad ass like that and I’m committed to this show. There are shots of NYC and I get home sick and I think about this girl SS who moved to NYC that see at a reunions and baby showers and I remember the day I noticed her. A girl with a rack like that not wearing a bra makes you take notice. See, there were signs. I’m watching the scene where Kiyomi’s outside the bar and I look up and realize: shit, I have been staring at this woman’s thighs the whole scene. I don’t even know what the hell is going on, but I’ve been staring at this woman like she’s the last coca cola in the dessert (My favorite line from Mambo Kings). I’d blame the medicine, but that woman is gorgeous and I think this can’t get any better and then the lovely Laura starts striping. 1. This show is awesome 2. I should have moved back to NYC after high school.
I pause my lesbian viewing pleasure because Ellen was on, just kidding! I was falling asleep and didn’t want to miss any of my new favoritest show in the whole fucking world. I make a mental note to Google this Hunter Valentine because maybe I can also cross off being a groupie from my bucket list.
I woke up excited because there’s something new, yes, I am now breathing out of both nostrils at the same time, but there are girls, well women, I’m too old for girls. As I lay there coming out (I just caught that) of my DayQuil non drowsy stupor, I’m mulling this over in my mind. Women, I like women? Well shit, this is weird. Everybody knows I like guys, but this would explain some things. Like my lack of a serious relationship with a guy. Not wanting to get close to any of them. Maybe I wasn’t emotionally dead inside, I just don’t like men. I mean all of my sexual partners have been void of that connection, but how much love making can you do with that guy from the bar or the guy who introduces himself by his nickname. He was also my most successful relationship. I recall not kissing him and the shock and annoyance I had when he displayed feelings more than what I thought was appropriate.
I spent the next couple of days thinking about what this all meant and how does one go about being bi, or was a gay?
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